Breaking News: Remaining Druid Members Suspected to be Corgis
Early in the morning on Thursday, April 11th, WPTS observed the sudden disappearance of a large volume of copies of The Pitt News from newsstands around the Pitt campus. While this may have normally not been a cause for concern, as the The Pitt News is used by many as a source of scrap paper and/or for doing the Sudoku puzzle during particularly boring recitations, yesterday’s events were especially troubling. Tom Visco, TPN writer and WPTS DJ extraordinaire, wrote a stirring article on Pitt’s secret society: the Order of the Druids.
There remains a mystery regarding the identities of the rest of the members of this newly not-so-secret society. Who are they, and how have they been able to hide amongst us for so long?
WPTS is ready to report: the remaining members of The Order of The Druids are, in fact, corgis.
WPTS has reason to suspect that the hundreds of missing copies of The Pitt News may have been stolen by these corgis in the middle of the night. An a reliable witness, who wished to remain anonymous in order to protect his own corgi, spoke with WPTS earlier today. This source reported seeing a corgi romping around in the dark around 5:35AM last night, cloaked in a mysterious black robe. “I was walking back from my friend’s house early in the morning when I saw a corgi running around with a newspaper in its mouth,” the source said. “It was cute, and it was wearing a little black cloak, so I followed it for a little bit. Imagine my surprise when I saw it fetching copies of The Pitt News from the newsstands around Benedum!”
Were these corgis trained to “fetch” copies of The Pitt News from the newsstands, just in time for the release of the list of names of The Order today? The evidence is condemning: WPTS was unable to uncover another incident in which corgis in black cloaks were stealing copies of The Pitt News.
But the bizarre corgi-related activity didn’t stop there. We spoke with Nate Lauderkoff, a junior here at Pitt who may have witnessed the bizarre “tapping” of potential Druid members one afternoon. Or, in this case, of potential Druid corgis.
“Yeah, I was eating lunch at Schenley Plaza, people-watching on the grass, when I saw this girl walking her corgi across the plaza. It was a pleasant sight, so I watched them for a bit. Imagine my surprise when I saw this large figure, dressed in all black robes, sprint across Schenley Plaza and pet the corgi. Before he left, he tapped the corgi on the shoulder, before running off in the direction of the SGB Offices.”
When asked why he thought the corgi had been tapped, Lauderkoff responded, “I don’t know, man, it was a little weird. I assumed it was a LARPer or something.”
We attempted to contact The Order of The Druids multiple times about their opinions regarding corgis. They declined to answer any questions. We received this anonymous comment via text, “Corgis are amongst the most self-motivated breeds of dogs. They have nothing but Pitt’s values in mind. We don’t see the problem with corgi membership in this kind of society, and intend on using them to make the best holiday card ever.”
When asked again for comment, Lauderkoff replied, “Who doesn’t want to receive a holiday card with corgis on it? They’re cute and fluffy and they have adorable short legs.”
(Editor’s note: WPTS has obtained an advance copy of said holiday card, intended to be sent to every student organization around the 2013 holiday season.)
WPTS asked a corgi suspected to be a member of the Druids, Fluffy Butternubs, for his opinion on the matter. Butternubs declined to comment, instead choosing to stare at us and wag his little tail menacingly.
Corgis are, of course, the internet’s favorite dog breed, probably due to their short stature and extreme photogenicity. It makes sense that the Druids would want to take advantage of the popularity in order to help spread their influence and value. After all, a Youtube video of a corgi can yield millions of hits; could this be just the next step in the Pitt Druids’ goal to take over Pitt SGB/the world?
UPDATE: WPTS has received this anonymous and totally legitimate photograph of Queen Elizabeth’s corgis:
As you can see from the photo, one of the corgis appears to be wearing traditional Druid garb. Could this secret Order in fact have infiltrated the British monarchy? Do Druid corgis have relations to the Queen of England?? Stay tuned for more info.
-Natalie Benoy & Kayla Sweeney
(Disclaimer: All people mention in this article are fictional. Any other use of real names is accidental. This is a parody article meant for entertainment purposes. People love corgis.)