Take Tuesday: Heroes Edition – 2016 NFL Week 2 Recap
Arthur W Mueller
I was too upset after the Pitt loss on Saturday to watch any football on Sunday, so we’re going to do things a little bit differently this week. This is Take Tuesday: Heroes Edition, where I highlight people who stepped up this week.
Our first hero first hero is Buffalo Bills head coach Rex Ryan. He had his lap band removed in solidarity with his brother Rob who had complications with his lap band. Rex also noted that he wins more games when he’s fat. That’s the kind of team first attitude that everyone could learn from.
Our second hero is Diego the Galapagos giant tortoise. When Diego was brought to the island, his species of giant tortoise was endangered. Diego is now over 100 years old and has fathered over 800 offspring, singlehandedly bringing his species, which I assume is called Antonio Cromartus, back from the brink.
Our third hero is Steelers receiver Antonio Brown for standing up for bosses everywhere. When he was asked how much the NFL had fined him for twerking in the end zone following a touchdown reception he replied that it was “nothing to a boss.” As someone who is also a boss, I applaud Antonio Brown for his courageous actions to fight back against the no fun league.
Our fourth hero is Jets receiver Brandon Marshall for playing through whatever happened to his knee on Thursday night. Marshall got his knee twisted badly in a way that knees don’t twist. The moment it happened, everyone immediately feared for the worst. Then Brandon Marshall got up, briefly went to the locker room, (I don’t want to know what kind of painkillers he took in there), came back out and finished the game. Tell that story the next time some idiot tries to tell you how tough hockey players are.
Our fifth hero is Steelers running back LeVeon Bell for keeping busy during his suspension. While some players would take advantage of the time off to sit back and relax, that’s not what Bell has been doing. He dropped a new song on his Soundcloud called “2am” and it’s actually not that bad. There’s worse things you can do while waiting to get back on the field.
Our sixth hero is South Carolina State kick returner Ahmaad Harris. After fielding a kickoff in his end zone, Harris was in such a hurry to hand the ball to the referee that he forgot to take a knee before doing so. If only more kids were interested in handing the ball to the referee instead of celebrating or finishing the play. Harris was trying to be a role model for kids to respect referees and respect the game of football by respectfully giving the referee the ball even before most players would.
Our seventh and final hero is Charlie Whitehurst a.k.a. Clipboard Jesus for agreeing to sign with the Cleveland Browns. It’s rare to see a quarterback make such a sacrifice that they would sign with Cleveland. Good for him.
How old did DeAngelo Williams look this week?
This week’s age: 27. Williams only averaged 2.9 yards per carry against the Cincinnati Bengals, but he made up for that with four catches for 38 yards and a touchdown. That’s the kind of smart performance you can expect from a veteran running back, but not a veteran running back who is super old or anything.
Cleveland Browns Quarterback Injury Report
Cleveland is literally losing quarterbacks Back to Back.
Eleven Things I Think Because I’m Smarter Than Peter King
1. I bet Danny Woodhead is already rehabbing his torn ACL
2. Carson Wentz reminds me of another #2 overall pick: RG3. Wentz looks good as a rookie but is exposing himself to some huge hits.
3. The thing I love most about Carson Wentz being good through two games is all of the charts comparing him to other quarterbacks who were good through two games. Some of those quarterbacks had good careers while others didn’t so it must just be really confusing for Eagles fans to try to project a player’s career based on two games.
4. Fun fact: Carson Wentz is the first quarterback named “Carson” to win a game since Carson Palmer the day before.
5. The LA Rams are averaging 4.5 points per game and in a tie first place in the NFC West right now, so it’s probably time to give Jeff Fisher a contract extension.
6. We all know Jeff Fisher has dirt on the Rams ownership, but maybe he also has dirt on Pete Carroll. The Rams have won four of their past five games against the Seahawks.
7. Wow, Kirk Cousins has been bad.
8. All of the quarterback injuries have me trying to figure out what free agent quarterbacks are even available. Josh Freeman? Matt Flynn? What about guys that retired but are only 35 or so? Kyle Orton? Jason Campbell? Now we can see why the Vikings gave up a first round pick for Sam Bradford.
9. Sam Bradford looked good on Sunday Night. It’s amazing what having a decent receiver like Stefon Diggs can do for you.
10. If the Cleveland Browns need a quarterback so badly, could LeBron James step in? He’s a natural athlete, but I don’t think he could learn the mechanics of throwing like an NFL quarterbacks during a week’s practice. Besides, Cleveland needs him healthy so he can defend the Cavaliers’ title.
11. I hope JR Smith gets his contract impasse with the Cleveland Cavaliers straightened out because I would love to see him celebrate winning another championship.
A Steeler win’s good any Sunday
And here’s the cherry on the sundae
By getting the win
We did Cincy in
The city that murdered Harambe