Take Tuesday: The World Series Was Rigged – My Column
Arthur W Mueller
By now, you probably have been told that the Cubs won the World Series, but do you know the full story? Major League Baseball rigged the World Series in favor of the Cubs so they could capitalize off the storyline they created and punish Cleveland for threatening Marlins Man so he couldn’t attend game seven. Unfortunately for whoever baseball’s Adam Silver is, I’m seeing right through it folks. In the game, Cleveland was making a comeback. JR Smith took his shirt off. Cleveland tied the game and was ready to go for the kill when the umpires decided to stop the game for rain. This changed the momentum of the game and allowed the Cubs to regroup and win. I’ve seen this move before. In Super Bowl XLVII, the NFL cut the power to the Super Dome to allow the San Francisco 49ers to come back and make the Super Bowl exciting to get better ratings. Also, since when do we stop sports for a little bit of rain? I’ve never seen an NBA game get delayed for weather. There wasn’t any lightning in the area. It seems as if there is something fishy here going on with this whole “rain delay.” I think Major League Baseball made this all up so that the Cubs would win the World Series. Now here is where things get really interesting. The Cubs winning means that Donald Trump is going to win the election on Tuesday. Just connect the dots. The Cubs haven’t won a World Series in a long time, while Donald Trump has never held public office. The Cubs’ owner is funding a pro-Trump SuperPAC. There were pro-Trump protesters at Wrigley Field earlier in the World Series. That dork Nate Silver linked them together. Most importantly, the only thing that would be more unusual historically than Trump winning the election is the Cubs winning the World Series. The results of the World Series tell us that Donald Trump is going to win and there is nothing you can do about it except getting out and voting on Tuesday, November 8. If enough people go out and vote for Hillary Clinton then Donald Trump will not be the next President, but if that doesn’t happen, the result of the World Series will mean that Donald Trump is our next President.
The Chicago Cubs have only won one World Series in the past 108 years.
Wow. What a bunch of losers.
Cleveland sucks again so it looks like the Browns are probably going 0-16.
It’s late enough in the NFL season that we can make projections about what would happen if the season ended today. Here is my projection: If the season ended today, the NFL would miss out on all of the revenue from the rest of the season and that would make Roger Goodell unhappy.
1. I am under attack from a billionaire named Peter Thiel. He didn’t specifically attack me; he said that “single digit millionaires” don’t have access to America’s legal system because they can’t afford to pursue frivolous lawsuits. As a single digit millionaire, I am offended that he would doubt me. Any regular reader of this column will know that I have no problem pursuing ridiculous things at great length.
2. Now, back to sports, where Rob Gronkowski scored his 69th career touchdown. Gronk might already be the greatest tight end in NFL history, although Tony Gonzalez (people forget that he used to play basketball) might have something to say about that. It’s great to see Gronk reach a career milestone that clearly means a lot to him. The most exciting thing for him is that he has one rushing touchdown in his career, so while last week’s touchdown marked his 69th career touchdown, his next receiving touchdown will be his 69th career receiving touchdown, so we can do this all over again.
3. The Bills might have the best fans in football. Last week, the Bills lost 41-25, but the real loser in the game was the referee who had to remove an adult toy that had been thrown on the field. I don’t know of anything that shows a respect for the shield like throwing an adult toy on the field. The Bills are definitely going far this season.
4. Pitt lost to Virginia Tech last Thursday and so they probably won’t be nationally relevant for the rest of this season. Unless, wait, what is that you say? Riff Raff shouts out Tony Dorsett on his new album “Balloween!” Pitt is back!
5. The college football playoff committee has Texas A&M ranked at #4, despite their 19 point loss to Alabama. I think that a game against Alabama is such a quality loss that it’s better than a win vs. another team. If only Pitt could schedule Alabama, that loss would give us such a great resume. We’d probably be ranked.
6. I knew that Cleveland was doomed the moment Marlins Man wasn’t able to attend game seven because of threats made by Cleveland fans. Marlins Man is beloved by baseball fans everywhere for his hilarious antics like taking selfies behind home plate during baseball games. You don’t mess with Marlins Man and expect to win a World Series.
7. There’s nothing that makes me happier than sitting down at night and watching Vines of NBA highlights. Wait, Twitter is killing Vine? NOOOOOOOOOOOO! Even if Twitter kills Vine, something will probably replace it. Twitter could also see the public reaction to the elimination of Vine and decide to keep it. Either way, I will still be able to see highlights from around the association.
8. A conspiracy theory is that Twitter is killing Vine to make the NFL happy. Twitter broadcasts the NFL’s atrocious Thursday Night Football games. The NFL hates it when people watch NFL highlights, so much so that they banned NFL teams from posting highlights on Twitter. Maybe the NFL is behind the death of Vine?
9. Speaking of Thursday Night Football, we got our annual Jaguars-Titans nationally televised color rush game last week. I think this game is great because it is so well branded. Every single viewer tuning in is expecting terrible football. This is probably the only NFL game of the year that cannot be a disappointment because there are no expectations.
10. Can you say Russell Westbrook for MVP? He has scored at least 30 points in all of his games and he could end up averaging a triple double this season. The Thunder are a real threat to the Warriors in the Western Conference.
11. Congratulations to my favorite Japanese baseball team, the Nippon Ham Fighters on their NPB championship.
Back to NFL Football, it sucks
Color Rush is fancy like a tux
Oh what will it take?
To keep me awake
And watch all of Falcons versus Bucs