The Facts & Fiction of St. Vincent
By: Kayla Sweeney
St. Vincent (real name: Annie Clark) has just released her fourth album as St. Vincent, called St. Vincent. Even though she does interviews with major music outlets and did a Reddit AMA, she is notoriously private with the more personal details of her life. These musings are WPTS’ speculations on what goes on behind the glamorous facade that is St. Vincent.
1. Annie Clark’s guitar is from 1955. Rumor has it that she got it when she went back in time and stole it from a Russian aristocrat when they were distracted by the discovery of the first diamond mine in Siberia. Prophecy says that one day this aristocrat will return from the past to claim his prize. Annie Clark will be ready.
2. Annie Clark, at the mere age of 15, made Japanese rock stars of unknown fame cry at the sight of her shredding on the guitar. The rock stars would stop making music after that and instead lived a nomadic life in the isolated mountains of Hokkiado, the northernmost Japanese island. One of them would write a vaguely well-known novel about a man dressed as a sheep that he once saw in the woods.
3. Annie Clark dabbled in sports once. Her coach called her “The Tiger,” which was a direct reference to the fact that before soccer games, Annie Clark would paint herself with orange and black stripes. She did this in the hope that other players wouldn’t come after her as much for fear that they would stain their uniforms. When this plan didn’t work, Annie Clark decided sports weren’t for her, although her coach still gave her a “Participation” medal that she still treasures to this day.
4. When Annie Clark was going for a walk on the grounds of her friend’s deserted cattle ranch, she realized that no one else was around, and so she got naked — because she could. She then saw a snake, got scared and ran a mile back to the ranch. She took a shot of tequila when she got back, exhausted from her fantastical journey.
5. Annie Clark understands basic astrophysics and enjoys people who like physics as well. She credits some of her success to her high school physics teacher, who enjoyed lamenting the way someone with a doctorate was taken more seriously than him after explaining why property taxes were abhorrent and wind energy a joke.
6. Annie Clark mentions masturbating in one of the singles from her new album, and in the second line to boot. When was the last time you heard a singer mention masturbation in a song, let alone a female? Annie Clark is the reason that sex toy sales have gone up tenfold since the release of her single “Birth in Reverse” on Dec. 9, 2013, according to Cosmopolitan magazine.
7. Annie Clark’s hair is magical and powered by the sighs of her countless fans. No matter if it is dark brown, platinum blonde or silver gray, it still sparkles like the shiny hair that your Barbie doll had before you got scissor-happy and cut it all off.
8. Annie Clark toured as part of Sufjan Stevens’ backing band on his “Come On, Feel the Illinoise” tour, and she wore butterfly wings while doing it. She would later explain that she was earning extra money on the side by volunteering as a human subject in a lab researching transgenesis and that the wings were, in fact, real. Sufjan Stevens wore fake wings so that she wouldn’t feel out of place.
9. Anne Clark enjoys crowd-surfing. Rumor has it this is because the one time she went surfing in the ocean, a shark came up and threatened to eat her if she didn’t stop surfing forever. Annie Clark, fearing for her life, agreed. While Annie Clark is still wary of surfing in the ocean, she crowd surfs often. Every time she crowd surfs, you can see she has a rebellious smile on her face because she’s thwarting the shark and the promise she made to it.
graphic and text by Kayla Sweeney